Top ten list of crazy crap that happened in 2014

goats-med

Justin Bieber wakes up in a field at Rob Ford’s goat ranch.

It’s that time of year for lists. As some of you may or may not know, we here at Carpe Absurdum have access to a time machine. We thought it would be fun to travel into the future and give you a top ten list for next year this year. How cool is that? Here goes.

1.  Shortly after announcing his candidacy for the 2016 presidential race, Rick Santorum comes out of the closet and admits to a life-long affair with Michele Bauchmann’s husband.

2.  Michele Bachmann reveals that she is really an extraterrestrial alien from the planet Fringus and for some reason her crazy-eye death stare doesn’t work in Earth’s atmosphere.

3.  After having yet another bill he favors sunk in the House of Representatives, President Obama declares, “Fuck it,” and sparks up a J in the middle of a nationally televised press conference.

4.  Harold Camping, the deceased multi-millionaire pastor who erroneously predicted the rapture more times than he had fingers and toes, rises from the grave, farts and falls back into it.

5.  The Dude and high priest of The Church of the Latter-Day Dude is invited to the Vatican by Pope Francis and is made Santo Dudo, the first ever living person elevated to sainthood by the Catholic church.

6.  Al-Qaeda undergoes an organizational shake-up, and its new leader confesses that the terrorist organization really has nothing to do with religion, and that terrorists are really just turned off by anything that smacks of truth, beauty or goodness, and that they pine for a time when life was short and brutish and everyone was miserable all of the time.

7.  The leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un beheads Dennis Rodman after the despot’s new bride gives birth to a child who looks just like the former NBA star.

8.  Ex-president George W. Bush, gets bored with oil and canvas painting, and takes up sculpture and builds a massive bronze wang in the front yard of his Dallas home, much to the consternation of his neighbors.

9.  Toronto mayor Rob Ford, retreats from the public eye to become a goat farmer. What happens at the goat ranch stays at the goat ranch.

10. After having gone missing for a month, Justin Bieber is found staggering in a pasture on Rob Ford’s goat ranch, muttering something about having been abducted by aliens, one of which looked exactly like Michele Bachmann; beyond that he was unwilling to elaborate.

Carpe absurdum, and sanctus abidum. Have a wonderful 2015, fellow absurdist.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford

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